Best of Miss Manners: I hosted a dinner party and a guest had the audacity to sit at the head of the table

Dear Miss MANNERS: My husband and I have invited four couples to be our dinner guests at one of the most beautiful restaurants in town. I wanted to use proper card stock but my husband didn’t want it to look “stuffy”.

We greeted our guests near the entrance to our private dining room, which was near the head of the table. One of our guests walked to the other end of the table and sat down at what should have been my seat. I was going to say something, but my husband gently took my hand and signaled that I should be quiet.

It was hard for me to smile and be polite while my husband’s friend took over the conversation and acted like he was the host of our party. My husband doesn’t understand why I’m so steamed up and says, “It’s just a chair!” He said next time I should leave my purse in the seat to save it if it’s that important to me.

Where I come from, the host and hostess are known to sit at the ends of the table. To usurp the host’s seat would be a great show of disrespect to the host and an insult to the host. Such an act could easily cause an argument.

Do I make a big deal out of nothing? Has etiquette been relaxed so much that guests can sit where they want without regard for the hosts?

WHITE READER: Has etiquette relaxed so much that hosts don’t tell guests where to stay?

Oh that’s right, you don’t want to look stuffy. Miss Manners hears this word a lot from people who don’t want to follow the procedures that have been put in place to make things orderly.

Telling guests what arrangements you’ve made for their convenience — for example, a seating plan that brings together potentially compatible people — isn’t offensive. On the contrary.

If you didn’t tell your guests where to sit at the table, you left them to fend for themselves and they did. To infer from this that your guests intended to insult you is indeed to make a big deal out of nothing.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)