The hottest dads competing in the new season

Get yourself together. Let’s have our annual discussion of the beautifully tragic franchise known as The (Golden) License (in Paradise).

This week, the new cast for The Golden Bachelor has been revealed, featuring 24 men vying for the heart of 61-year-old Joan Vassos. If you ask, “It is licensee on?” the answer is, “Yeah, stupid. People love a train wreck.” And The Golden Bachelor-the franchise arm is even better than the original because it still gives us a possible happy ending with lovable, albeit hot, old men while undermining the expectation that grandpas are somehow more chaste or moral than hard 20-something bodies.

After the long-running dating franchise seemingly reinvented itself last year with a new venture called The Golden Bachelorstarring an impossibly nice 72-year-old named Gerry Turner, the newest iteration did what every good season of licensee do: implode.

Gerry was revealed to be a septuagenarian bastard who, despite saying he hadn’t dated since his wife’s death, allegedly had a girlfriend within a month of her death. Could it also be some questionable stuff about Venmoing their dates and asking them to go Dutch for dinner after the fact? Long story short, Gerry and his last choice Teresa divorced within a year of their wedding, and Gerry is just like the guy you dated in college, but with grandchildren. In the wake of the scandal, instead of canceling the series, ABC said, “Let’s do it all over again, but with a lot of dads.” Let’s celebrate this.

Below, I have compiled The Golden Bachelorthe 10 cutest grandfathers, retirees and men of a certain age. Long may they reign – truly, because the alternative is kind of dark.

Pascal, 69 years old

French! Gourmet! 69! Three words that conjure up a certain movement of the thighs that makes women of all ages say “I’ll have what he’s serving!” He’s perhaps the most attractive of the lot, but the clear downside to this Chicago-based salon owner is that the producers will absolutely beat the hell out of viewers with incessant French references, who will be – as we say in the business –start, start annoying.

Disney/Ricky Middlesworth

Christopher, 64 years old

Are you kidding me? Christopher is a certified fox who looks younger than me despite being half his age. He is a grandfather who “he likes owning a construction company.” I’m not sure what that says about his personality that his biography has driven, but oh well. She also likes to cook healthy food and exercise, which is why she has aged better than me.

Chock, 60

First of all, Chock is a crazy name. The best I can explain is that it appears to be a typo from his Christian name, Charles, but it was never fixed. That said, Chock has a lot of other adorable things going for him, like a black lab named Super Tubbs, his kids, and being a Chiefs fan, which by extension makes him a Swiftie. It also looks great in a t-shirt, which isn’t as universally a quality as one might think!

Guy, 66 years old

Does Guy’s bio say much? Not. He has been an emergency physician for 40 years and has four children and an undisclosed number of grandchildren. That’s about it. But when you’re a hot doctor at 66, that sort of thing makes your job difficult. Page someone from Grey’s Anatomy— one of the cuties is free.

Jonathan, 61 years old

Jonathan is the reason God made cream cable knit sweaters. I mean, look at this guy. Although I have no idea what a “materials specialist” is, it sounds like he’s just a nice guy looking for love. He has a dog, a cat and a rabbit (hill for me, but some people like that). He also says that his two children are his number one priority and that will always warm a heart or two.

Kim, 69 years old

Kim is a retired sea captain, which is objectively a hot job. It also vaguely reminds me of Captain Lee from Below deck (free). Because TV and movie stereotypes have rotted my brain, I immediately pause because I’m afraid that Kim might come in and be too hard on my kids because of his military background, but he’s past child age, so the point is moot. Kim also looks great in a polo.

Mark, 57

Oh wow! Kelsey’s father from Joey’s season is now in the franchise. Way to keep it in the family, ABC. Mark is an ex-army vet who realized after watching the first season that he is not alone in his pain!! Someone love this man ASAP. This is by far the favorite this season. If Joan doesn’t pick him, she has a whole season lined up. Bet.

Pablo, 63 years old

Ok, Pablo is going to get his heart broken because I already love him too much. First of all, he has something that I can’t explain other than to say he has a “small bespectacled face”. Obsessed. He also loves sitcoms and rom-coms. If that weren’t enough, he runs ultramarathons (crazy) and volunteers as an EMT (not crazy, but quite a hobby). Pablo is a good man.

Jordan, 61 years old

I don’t understand Jordan for several reasons. (1) I have never met anyone under 50 named Jordan. Not elderly. Just my experience. (2) Jordan has gray hair, but something about him makes me think he’s 40 at most? (3) Hell, it makes a leather jacket look right. That said, the Chicago sales executive singled out Lou Malnati’s as his favorite deep-dish dish that feels a little on the nose.

Disney/Ricky Middlesworth

Jack, 68 years old

Uh oh! We have a chef! I can already tell this cutie will be deeply underrated. This retired chef went on a solo trip to Italy last year, where he realized he just wanted someone to travel the world with. What a precious angel.